June 5th


It's two days in a row. I wake up again at after less than six hours of sleep. Music from my friend's room. Sunshine in my friend's to-be-roommate's room. Spending the rest of my trip here. All for the better. I am a lucky person.

I do nothing for a while, and feel like doing nothing for the day as well. I can't really fall asleep. Some annoying text messages to answer. Yes, yes, your love problems, Irene. Deal with it. I don't even use pseudonyms. Deal with it.

But thanks for the cheesy words though. 'That must have been how I was.' I get to distract myself from the grimy little heart. There is no theoretical, rational disappointment. Disappointments are just emotions and emotions are irresponsible. Then I still feel like doing nothing, but I decide to get up and find food.

I can't, so I look it up online and order food. I used to think that being able to order something through the phone is just a better testament to your ability than ordering things online. But now it isn't. Everything is ordered online. It's not weird. It's much preferred, even. Times change.

I decide to talk to another friend. Another Chicagoan, but not here. Thank god she answers. We talk online: the things that happened to me here, things to do in Chicago, and things that are going on in her life. She gives me a good list of cool things to do in Chicago. I still don't really feel like going out. We talk:

you don't have to close the conversation if you don't feel like it. i'm fine with silences.

i changed it
mostly because i realized theres no point in talking about it
there's nothing you can say to make it better
there's nothing you can do
so why put you in that position?
i'm the only one who can change it

yo

talking to other people

is one of the scariest
most unhelpful
but the most helpful
thing you can do
everyone has stories and issues too big to share.
that they didn't even organize it themselves because it's too big
and you just feel like turning on the TV instead
so it's scary to tell
and if you start telling it
it feels unhelpful
because people don't listen, people don't understand, people don't have valuable things to say back..
i mean, sometimes they do listen, understand, and be helpful
but
if you don't think they're annoying
its like
there's a sense of human camaraderie
i always appreciated people
who couldn't say anything back
to my stories
ecstatically caring people are nice too
but there are people who just
don't say anything and just- don't even nod, because they're literally sort of stuck
then i appreciate them and it makes me feel better
and i just go "but yeah. i'm doing prety well for myself though"
"sorry for going on a rant. thanks for listening." and i stopped saying "i don't even know why i told that to you"
because there's no way i wouldn't have said that to you
you know?

shits fucking flowing out of my brains right now. of course i'm going to puke it out onto people
and that's not anyones fault. worlds too much for any one person to carry

It makes the sun more bearable sometimes. And sometimes that's about all you could do. It's a sort of a distraction. Sort of the best thing, the only thing that you could do. Thanks for listening.

Let me know how your day in the city goes.

Lazy Tuesday morning,
Michael